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Who that sux!

May. 13th, 2007 | 02:37 am
mood: rejected rejected

Ya, I've had a pretty emotional week. Last weekend was the anniversary of the kidnapping and now that I'm sober it's like a vivid movie that plays in detail in my head everyday. May 5th... ya. But law suit settlement here I (I mean you) come! Then mom attempted suicide over my sister being an ass and my dad making a fat comment. Found her in the floor. Not the first time but it stings everytime. Then found out why April is not bringing Hailey over to see her Mimi and Pappi... me. Because of the drama in my life. Like I have control over it. Can't help the fact there are physical scars from a tramatic experience. And I looked back and noticed this entire year April has not said ONE sootheing word over the ordeal but just sat back in her glass house and critisized and judged. I hate losing family... but I can't say it's on me this time. I've done my job. I've cleaned up and made something of myself. Sorry she wont ever get to know the real me...


Apr. 15th, 2007 | 07:21 pm
mood: intimidated intimidated
music: "Starts With Goodbye" Carrie Underwood

CHEESE! The next step at my new life was to get a job and get out in the world a lil more. So, I have the MOST glamorous job there is... oh ya... Kroger. But, heck, it is a job... and I've got a pretty good position there and it is money. So, I really don't care. I feel lucky to have it. I'm pretty tired! All my other jobs I would just be on pain killers and what not... not feeling a pin prick. Now, it's like tiring...lol. That sounds lame... I know. Most of my customers are sweet as cupcakes but I had a few testy ones today. It's weird because I have changed so much after what happened. I used to be the "Okay!" girl all the time and let anything and everything roll off my back like it was nothing. But I fight for myself now. I can't argue with customers because I'm supposed to be the "cool calm collected" chick. But today I just wanted to jump over the counter and attack some dude. He was such a jerk. If you are going to go to a store... you have to wait your turn... wasn't that taught in kindergarten? All I ask is do NOT tell me how to do my job or critisize how I do it... unless you have a name badge that has "manager" written underneath your name. Damn... it was my third day. But enough of that. In a nut shell: Jess doesn't take shit anymore. I was talking to my mom this last weekend and I was going out so she was grilling me, "Do you have your mase? Do you have your tazor? Do you have a knife?" Obviously, a mothers instinct for her baby to be loaded after she was kidnapped... but I was just like, "Mom, I seriously don't think I'd need that so much anymore." I'm just not sure exactly what I would do if I were put in that situation again or see it happen... or hear of it happen to someone. I've always been a very very strong chick. When I was nine I could pick up my dad. I remember picking him up and throwing him around horse playing. I'd kick someone's butt. Like a dude would have to have his balls removed from his abdomen. I hurt the guy that had me. But I was too tramatized to go to the hospital and get a rape kit. It didn't even come to mind. I just wanted to forget about it. I didn't want to talk about it to the rape hotline... I was just... not there. I know I had his DNA all over me, not to mention under my nails. But I HAVE to let go. I closed a lot of chapters in my life... but that one haunts me. My pain killers were my crutches. And getting off them and going through rehab was like someone knocking them from under me with two broken legs. I have to relearn how to deal with things... and the things I have to learn how to deal with are unordinary. SO:

I guess it's gonna have to hurt. I guess I'm gonna have to cry. I guess I'm gonna have to let go of somethings to get to the other side. I guess it's gonna break me down, like falling when you're trying to fly... sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with "goodbye"...


Apr. 7th, 2007 | 03:28 pm
mood: determined determined
music: "Inside Your Heaven" ~ Carrie Underwood

Wow... becoming sober and growing up is tough! I took a look at my past yesterday and hung out with someone from then. I had no idea what a jerk he was. Sitting while he drug down all I have my heart invested in. I mean, people have their own right to an opinion on things, but don't talk down about my God. God is what is keeping me alive. He is why I take my first breath in the morning when I wake up. I've been through a lot this year, but he had no right to blame my Lord for it all. I had to go through what I did. I believe that God put me in the position in May 06 to save that four year old boy. He was abused sexually, mentally, physically, malnutritioned, dirty, and sick. Now he has a chance at having a better life. That's God. Yes, I was beat up, choked, smothered, raped, sodomized, and just tortured, but I was able to change that boy's life. 1st Peter chapter one and two... black and white. He had no right to say that that experience proves there is no God!! I'm living proof there is one. God kept me alive through my accidents, overdoses, the attack, and rehab... I mean WOW. This all happened in ONE year. But that confrontation had to happen for me to close that chapter of my life without having to worry about thinking "What if?" I see the truth now, and am not going down without a fight.

A scar in my heart

Apr. 2nd, 2007 | 11:36 pm
mood: drained drained

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of what happened to me in May 06. Mom was dying my hair today (I always do it) and she found the bald spot. It's the size of a nickel. It's from where they tore the hair straight out of my head. Now it wont grow back. Mom said they took the scalp with it and I remember when it happened it burned so bad. This is too much for me. People lie and say it'll get better... but I'm scared it wont ever be the same ever again...

So much better

Apr. 1st, 2007 | 02:53 am
mood: optimistic optimistic

I'm taking in life quite slowly. I'm learning patience. I'm so much better. Clarke wasn't who I thought he was... but I'm moving on. I'm still haunted by what happened in May. Now that everything is so much clearer, and I don't pain killers to numb the memory, I have some rough days. I WILL DO THIS AND MAKE IT!

Me? Really... no... can't be... rehab?

Feb. 18th, 2007 | 08:00 am
mood: anxious anxious
music: "Lift My Hands" Mandy Moore

This is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I've been a heavy drug addict for six years. Started with the amount of natural pain from problems to just a dependency. "Gosh, these three Percocet feel great! I think I'll take three more and add a Klonopin." I never ever thought of it as a problem. I was just having a good time. I mean I had the sickness from all the diseases I live with, so all I had to say, "You, know, Doc can you throw in some Percocet and Morphine patches?" Yes. Morphine. Not just one patch which would knock a cow on his ass but I'd put them ALL on. If you remember me the end of my junior year in high school to my senior year... you could probably tell. Why all of a sudden a break through? People came out with the truth of my actions and explained what I was doing to myself. This past year mainly for shelter from the storm of May fifth and sixth. Why God kept me alive? You got me. Sudden I hear from the person I love the most... "This isn't working. You need rehab." I'm just stone cold angry that my fun wasn't so fun for those close to me. I went into another room of the appartment and Clarke said I wasn't coming back. I mean it was just a popcycle. I went unconscience and hit the floor. I woke up and evidently fussed. He had enough. We are each living with our parents until I get straightened out. He's stuck beside me and glad for my transfomation... to Jessica.

Now of course took everyone's advice and admitted... I had a problem. With denial out of the way, now it's the time for detox. Oh ya. I'm actually writing this to be able to do something with my hands. I dead stopped every damn thing.... down to the Prozac and CIGARTTES. Mom is frantically trying to get me into a facility but time is running out. I might be going to LA for 90 days... not too sure yet. They have all that I need. Because you can easily die during detox. Which is exactly what I feel is going on. My skin has never hurt like this. My head hasn't exploded yet but there is still time. I'm not sleeping... not eating... tried this morning but ended up laying on the bathroom floor. I'm cold and hot sweating. No color. I'm so lucky I finally got up... lol. Hurts like hell but I gotta push some buttons to make it work.

This is I "think" day 6? So, I have a while. But detoxing is a lot worse than the therapy. Just as long as I don't have to make a circle with fellow drug addicts singing "Lean on Me"... I'll be fine. Damn I'm tired. I can't handle the feeling of being alone when I'm like this so I have watched 28 Days with Sandra Bullock over nine times. It helps. It's like watching myself go through rehab... like shit happens but true happiness... comes from within.

(no subject)

Oct. 28th, 2006 | 08:58 pm
mood: aggravated aggravated

Someone deleted my livejournal. So if you all get weird messages from "me"... they aren't me!


Apr. 8th, 2006 | 04:04 pm
location: Home Sweet Home and all alone
mood: drained drained

Yesterday I was discharged from the intensive care unit for a WEEK of layin there. One of my IV sites infiltrated so badly that I cant bend my wrist or fingers. Of course it was another scare of cancer. This time colon cancer. So they did a procedure to rule out the severity. Then I have pancrientitis, which isn't fun. I'd rather be there then here actually so I can get the care I need. Just breathe I guess.

Squad cars

Apr. 3rd, 2006 | 09:36 am
mood: blank blank

Went to the emergency. I passed out and had extreme abdominal pain and was white as a ghost. I couldn't drive home so I went to Gas America to call 911. I can't thank Justin enough for helping me out as much as he did. He is such a good guy. Speaking of good guys... I AM SINGLE! YAY!

As you steal my breath from my body
starin around at everybody
I don't want to live this way
stuck in a body I can't take.
I can't take.
Beauty life passes by my car window
wishing I could play around and go
Broken inside no place to hide
from all my fears I can't take.
I can't take.

im so nauseated

Mar. 24th, 2006 | 12:41 pm
mood: nauseated nauseated
music: "are you happy now?"

Now... don't just walk away
Pretending everythings okay
and you don't care about me

I know it's just no use
and all YOUR LIES

Could you look me in the eyes
and tell me that your happy now?
would you tell it to my face?
now have I been erased
and your happy now.
Are you happy now?

and left me with an empty plate
and you don't care about it.

I am giving up this game
cuz I dont care...

Could you look me in the eyes
and tell me that your happy now?
would you tell it to my face?
or have I been erased
and your happy now.
Are you happy now?

Do you really have anything you want
but you could just STEAL ANYTHING YOU DONT.
You can't run away from your self.